Setting the (Financial) Record Straight

I am truly hopeful that my ex loves his kids and will want to be a constant, positive, loving father to them for the rest of their lives. In case there's any confusion about the money thing, let's set the record straight:

1. Four months before my affair, this was the same man that left for a three day trip to Las Vegas and never called me or the kids while he was there.

2. Instead of conversation or even mediation, I was served two weeks after he left me for 50% custody of the children. I had no desire to sue my ex for child support (we were never legally married so spousal support was a non-issue) because I didn't want to fight over money. He was quick to sign the custodial plan because he had no interest in offering that money to me anyway (confirmed by legal counsel on both sides).

2. After a few months of dating, my ex moved in with me and lived rent and expense free for almost six months before I wrote the check from my funds to put a down payment on our family home. The loan was also secured in my name alone because his credit was destroyed when we met and he was broke. I believe he still owes several parties anywhere between $40,000 - $60,000 in defaulted debt today.

3. When his parents came here from another country (his mother needed colon surgery which then turned into multiple surgeries over the course of two years), at my encouragement, my ex allowed me to source the down payment and once again I took a loan in my name to buy a small apartment for them. My ex paid the mortgage to support his parents so that they wouldn't have anything to worry about. These expenses made my job even more of a necessity, but I didn't care. I was happy about this arrangement - my children would have the time and love of at least one set of grandparents living in the same city. I still have no regrets about this decision, and have offered to walk away from this property to keep their living situation intact. Their own son wants to sell the condo to split the equity.

3. While I worked full time in a demanding sales job that required weekly travel, my ex was able to build a flourishing web based business that can be valued today at approximately $5 to $6 million. He had a five minute commute to his office.

4. Only during the course of financial discovery, I learned that his reported income was equal to or greater than mine for the last three years. And as a business owner, you usually pocket much more than what you report. Sad to say, he became less transparent about his earnings as the money started rolling in. While I went back to work after 6 weeks of maternity leave and boarded planes with tears and a breastpump, he was happy to cry poverty. Oh, and he made sure that we contributed equally to household expenses. He never forgot to reimburse himself at the end of the month for half the groceries, the utilities, etc.

5. When he left, he demanded that I pay him half the equity of the home, along with half of all other assets I may have owned BEFORE we were even together. He even handed me an excel spreadsheet to review. When I told him coming up with this kind of cash was impossible and force me and the children out of the house, he told me that wasn't his problem. In fact, he enlisted lawyers to initiate a frivolous lawsuit based on the famous Lee Marvin case (unmarried cohabitants) or what I call the "psychological mind fuck" lawsuit which included:

a. Strangers (large men) serving you papers at your home when you are alone after hours when opposing counsel is fully aware that all correspondence needs to go to your lawyers.

b. Financial discovery (i.e. coming up with four huge file boxes of any and all possible financial records for the last seven years of your life that takes almost a week of your time organizing and photocopying at Kinkos) even though I was not asking for child support.

c. Leveraging the legal fees that are incurred when phone calls are made, documents faxed, and court dates scheduled. For the activities of the civil lawyer for the month of December 2007 alone, I had to write a $9000 check. This does not include the seperate fees of the estate lawyer (up until a week ago, if I got hit by a car and ended up on life support, my ex had the legal right to pull the plug and take everything if he wanted) and the family lawyer.

6. In the hopes of creating an opportunity to move forward, I formally offered to come up with half of what he was looking for in December. My family and friends said I was crazy to put myself in this financial duress. I told them I just wanted it all to be done, and this would give both of us a chance to move forward. His lawyers accepted the offer. Two weeks went by and we had not received any signed paperwork. Instead, my ex decided to fire the lawyers and find new counsel to continue the legal harassment.

I know that many of you out there can relate to what it is like to struggle growing up. I had a father that couldn't hold a job because of his drinking problem and subsequently, there wasn't much financial stability in my household. I put myself through college with an academic scholarship and juggling 2-3 part-time jobs. Immediately after graduation I started an entry level position with a media company while four of my best girlfriends toured Europe on an all expense paid graduation present from their parents. I ate a lot of Ramen noodles that first year just so I could pay rent.

At 24, I cashed out whatever savings I was able to scrape living in NYC and moved home to help my mother save her house. That next year, I accepted a promotion that required me to relocate 3000 miles away from family and friends to a city where I knew no one because it was an opportunity to improve my life. I built a life and a career on my own.

At 30, I met my ex and fell in love. I supported him emotionally, physically, and financially, but he never really returned the favor. And after six years of providing him with a financial safety net to help him build a business, he still wants to grab as much cash as he can before he goes. I have not requested one penny from him during this process.

I want to believe that my ex really loves his children, but his actions tell me that he loves money more, even if he hasn't earned it. So if it is selfish and indulgent to wonder if this is a father who has his children's best interests at heart, or someone who is purposely logging the hours to insure he doesn't have to part with the mighty dollar while leveraging the emotional strain he knows I'm feeling when I'm apart from my children, then so be it.

Remember that $9000 check I wrote in December for legal fees? Yeah...wouldn't a father who loves his kids prefer that to have gone into a college fund?