Children - Love Medicine

My son makes me laugh when I serve them tilapia (a mild white fish) for dinner this week. Drowned in lemon and butter, they are happily digging in, and I high five myself that I am getting some Omega 3 into their bodies in between the nightly Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and hot dog dinners. "I love labia" says my four year old, "it tastes good." I wonder if he's taking English lessons from my Chinese mother when she comes to visit.

My daughter is developing into quite the character herself. Her favorite food is a raspberry/strawberry fruit bar treat, recently discovered from a local organic grocery store. She actually consumed two of these before check out during a recent shopping trip. This morning, she pushed her scrambled eggs and toast with cream cheese away (usual breakfast favorites). "I want a fruit bar mommy." I slide her plate back in front of her. "Fruit bars are for snack honey," I explain," let's eat our breakfast." She's contemplating a temper tantrum. And in the next moment, she cocks her head to the side and raises her eyebrows up and down several times, Groucho Marx style. This is a new trick that made me laugh the night before. "Please mommy? See my eyes?" She wins. I hand her a fruit bar.

I am madly in love with these two children. In those precious moments of connection, I am touched beyond emotional explanation. There's no time to feel sorry for yourself when you are in the middle of wiping noses and tushes. You do not have the luxury of worrying about the lawyer's phone call five minutes ago when your little one climbs into your lap with a book.

In some ways, I think my divorce has helped me to become a better mother. I am learning to slow down and savor the time I have with my babies. I was always racing against the clock as a full time working mom, on and off airplanes, in and out of meetings, and realized that in the midst of a failing relationship, my children had a sleep-deprived, stressed out, unfulfilled person who tended to look at parenting responsibilities as tasks instead of opportunities. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy my time with my children, but now I am learning to really live in the present.

In the morning, on our way to preschool, we now take a different approach. Instead of quickly throwing on jackets and shoes to get out the door, we have extra kisses and hugs as each arm slips into a sleeve or a foot into a shoe. I take a moment to sniff the warmth of the back of their necks or the tops of their heads. Instead of muttering to the children that we are running late, this has become an opportunity for extra physical contact. We may be a few minutes late for yard time or snack time, but who cares? They won't remember what it meant to be prompt at this age, but they will remember how much mommy wants to love them with kisses and hugs before we climb into the car for school.


When they are with their father, I miss them. Terribly. The melancholy of those evenings alone in my home without them still puts me in a lonely place. I think about how they each climb into to bed with me when they are here, and I miss the comfort of holding them. Hearing them breathe peacefully and softly. Two little angels that are safe in my mama bear care.


But when we are apart, I know I can focus on healing and changing. I can pick up a book again. I can take a hike or walk on the beach. Sip a coffee and sit for a while. I can write.


A wise woman recently shared something with me that gives me great comfort (thank you). She said that "...the only thing you can control is your own actions. And I think this is important in relation to our children because often times this is the only life-lesson we have left to teach them: life isn't about what happens to you; it is about how you deal with what happens to you. And that lesson will trump all the other worries and anxieties you have about the effects of divorce and custody battles on their young lives."

There are always challenges in life. How we address them makes all the difference. For my broken spirit, my children are the strongest medicine in the world. They change your whole perspective and outlook on life and how to live it. But most importantly, if you can keep this top of mind, you have a chance to look at the world again through their eyes. It can become a special, magical place - one that is full of new experiences, new lessons, new discoveries, and promise. For your children, and for you.

We used to rush through bed time routines (brush teeth, two books, lights out) so that I could clean the kitchen, pick up the toys, and work late crunching out sales proposals and spreadsheets. Last night, at 36 and in the middle of a divorce, I got down on knee level next to my children in the backyard and we looked up at the moon together in the night sky. They are both in footed pajamas, and I have a blanket wrapped around them. I agreed with them, it was indeed, a beautiful sight. And then we came inside and climbed into mommy's bed, and I told them about the Chinese fable of the beautiful Moon Lady.