Happy Birthday Dad

February 19th is my father's birthday. It is on this day, and the anniversary of his passing in the month of August that I reflect on the dynamics of our father-daughter relationship.

I have spent my life searching for the loving, supportive, and stable man that my father never was. And in my quest for fulfilling love, I've found men that were like my father in so many ways since I've started dating (textbook psychology I'm sure). I found that I was always sacrificing and placing my needs last to secure my partner's approval, to win unconditional love. And then I would quickly move from one failed relationship to another, believing that the "honeymoon" stage with a new boyfriend meant sure success.

My college roommate was working towards her masters in social work. I remember her telling me from time to time that I needed to sort through the pain and anger of a horrible relationship with my father. "This will blow up in your face one day," she warned, "if you don't try counseling to understand your issues."

Interestingly enough, with the father of my children, I did just that. But we were too busy sorting through our mess as a couple, and I never sat down one-on-one with an expert to face the music as a individual that still needed to heal from the disappointment she experienced with the single most important male role model of her life.

I choose to be alone now. It would have been too easy to run into someone else's arms or bed while going through this divorce. I look in the mirror each morning and ask for the strength to learn how to be good to myself and focus on healing the little girl who had an angry alcoholic for a father.

It is terrifying as hell to make this decision. But it is also empowering. I've promised myself to pick up the phone this week and finally schedule some time with a therapist. One day there will be hope for a healthy relationship. In the meantime, I know I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Right before my father passed seven years ago, he wrote a letter to me and my younger sister. We talk about it often. In this letter, he tells us that he is sorry for all that he has done. He promises that when he leaves this world, he will always be watching over us, protecting us, loving us.

I have been searching for someone to fill those shoes. And for the first time in my life, I realize that person needs to be me.

I have a Merit cigarette and a Budweiser every year on February 19th as a tribute to him. Two of his favorite things in the world.

Happy birthday Daddy. I miss you.